A Colonized Mind

We are nearing the end of September, a reality I find difficult to wrap my mind around. Last week (after Killing the Scorpion), I taught my first lesson! Let me tell you…it was nerve racking. Some in my group are trained teachers while others naturally radiate confidence in front of the learners; I was neither of those. I fumbled over my words as I read a passage aloud, and felt my face burn when I noticed the kids laughing at my accent or blatantly not following instructions. It was a rocky beginning, and I had to remind myself “You can only go up from here.” And I did. The next day, teaching was tremendously different and I (mostly) radiated self-assurance in front of that classroom. The thing is, I am the teacher, and it would do both myself and the learners well for me not to forget this. Ever. This week my colleague, Tim, and I planned "Poetry Week" for the 7th grade class in which we explore listening, reading comprehension, writing, and figures of speech through poetry. It is actually very fun and I think the learners enjoy it as well.  I even wrote a little poem for them to do exercises with, and class participation was high. Yay! I am beginning to develop “teacher confidence” and understanding how to enunciate my words and choose my phrases so that the learners understand me. All is well in training and…training. 

Just some context for those that do not know, pre-primary to fourth grade is taught in the mother tongue and fifth grade is (theoretically) when all formal instruction switches to English – the national language of Namibia  (I think this contributed to the fifth grade class being extra difficult to teach, however I only considered this several days after my first failed lesson.) I kind of had an internal existential crisis the other day when in the midst of classroom chaos, I reminded my learners, "We speak English in this classroom!" I picked up this phrase from other (Namibian) English teachers trying to promote knowledge of the English language in their class, however I felt awful for not only making them stop speaking in their native language; I felt like the oppressor making them assimilate into a language that is not their own. For what? Because if they don't speak English then they don't have a chance at a "decent life?" What is a decent life? One filled with economic opportunity, one filled with family, one filled with love? I reassured myself that I am doing good and I am helping and I am not the enemy. 

Which brings me to the title of this post, A Colonized Mind. 

This past weekend, the northern team (comprised of the Oshikwanyama and Oshidonga language groups) traveled to the HUB for workshops Friday and Saturday. It was as if we hadn’t seen each other for years the way we greeted one another; hugs on hugs coupled with shrieks of joy. The workshops themselves were very beneficial, I picked up a few tricks and trades for the classroom.  When we were in the cross-cultural session, we discussed things that surprised us or took us aback from the past couple weeks at the schools and in the village, followed by a discussion on whether such actions where "cultural" or "personal." One of my absolute favorite trainers, Angelina, explained something to us in response to people asking, “Why does my host family call me white when I am clearly mixed (or in my case, Indian.)” “Why does my host family say white people don’t walk?” “Why do they laugh at me while I do my bucket laundry outside?” Her response? Their minds are still colonized. This may not be the case for the “born-frees” but it is ingrained in their minds that the whites are better, the whites do things differently, they are not on the same level as the blacks or the colored. Apartheid policies may be (mostly) eradicated, but its imprint is heavy in the consciouses of many, many people. It breaks my heart that one can sincerely believe that they are less than somebody due to the color of their skin. It is one thing to understand this is a reality that exists, but entirely different when you realize that people you have come to know and love hold this belief that you and “your people” are better. We, as Peace Corps, are here to break this stereotype. I hope we can achieve this, I really do.

On a brighter note, I bought water colors and a yoga mat this weekend! Yay!! It was much needed, and I’m really starting to get into a nice little routine here. It is hard for me to get rid of two things – my concept of time, and my need for alone time. Time is not  of the essence here, time is not money. And alone time? What alone time? Alone time here means someone has done something to upset you, or that you are feeling sick. I have been dancing delicately with both of these concepts, and I would like to think I’m reaching a happy medium.

I am restless, but I am fulfilled. I am uncertain, but I have faith. While I may not be eating or exercising in the way I am accustomed to, I am positive that I am, and will continue to be, where I need to be and am doing what ought to be done. We find out our permanent sites in less than two weeks (oh my god!!) and I am so excited to see where I end up for the next two years.

Instead of "Currently Listening", this week I want to share the lyrics of Colonized Mind by Prince:

Upload, the evolution principle

You see a rock on the shore and say

"It's always been there"

Download, no responsibility

Do what you want, nobody cares

Upload, the master race idea

Genetically disposed to rule the world

Download, future full of isolated

Full of isolated, boys and girls

Upload, the two party system

The lesser of two dangers,

Illusion of a choice

Download, their form of fascism

Nothing really ever changes

You never had a voice

Listen to me one time

If you look, you're sure gonna find

Throughout mankind's history

A Colonized Mind

The one in power makes law

Under which the colonized fall

Without God, it's just the blind leading the blind

Upload, a joint venture record deal

It's just another way another man can still sleep

While he's sticking you with the bill

Download, a temporary acquisition

Of fleeting fame and fortune

Nothing to leave in your will

Hey hey hey hey

Upload, a child with no father

Download, no respect for authority

Upload, a child with no mother

Download, a hard time showing love

If you look, you're sure gonna find

Throughout mankind's history

A Colonized Mind

The one in power makes law

Under which the colonized fall

Without God, it's just the blind leading the blind